Helping a friend whose spouse is away

One of the best ways to generate ideas for serving others is through recognizing your own needs. If you have a need, it’s likely someone else has the same one.

In recent years, my husband has started traveling regularly for missions. God is using him in powerful ways on the other side of the world. The kids' and my part is to send him with our blessing, to pray, to hold down the home front, and to live honorably while he's away.

That can sometimes be hard.

First of all, let me acknowledge that single parents do this all the time. They need help too. They need an enduring, reliable support system. Some differences between our situation and theirs might be that it is their regular mode of operation, and that they try to not get themselves in over their heads, because they probably know their limits. A two-parent family usually maintains a pace that can be handled with two parents, but is much more difficult to handle when one parent is absent.

So, back to what I’ve been learning: the first time my husband went to Russia for two weeks went great. I could feel the prayers of God's people sustaining us. Friends and acquaintances regularly checked in with me. I had lots of offers for help (which I didn't even need to use). All went smoothly.

The second time my husband went to Russia, I think people forgot about us. Aside from one friend who randomly stopped by to check on us (Thank you, Adam!), I felt alone.

During times like that, I resolve to learn. I decide things like, “When I know someone else in this situation, I will help, because I know how much the encouragement is needed!” And I think of very specific ways to help.

Helping someone in crisis is one thing. I have had to bring a child to the emergency room in the middle of the night while my husband has been out of town (several times, actually). It is not difficult to call a neighbor and say, “Hey, I need to bring my child to the ER. Could you come over and stay with the others while I am gone?” Rarely will someone reject a request for assistance when there is a true emergency.

The times that are a little more difficult involve subtler things, such as loneliness, a loss of perspective, or several days of dealing with cranky, busy kids with no assistance or emotional back-up. When a well-meaning friend says, “Just let me know if you need something,” it's a little hard to say, “Will you just take care of my kids for a few hours so I can find some peace?!” Because you love your children fiercely and this is just life and you wish you weren't such a wimp that you'd need to ask such a silly thing.

So, here is what I suggest if you have a friend whose spouse is away for a prolonged ministry or business trip.

Just help. Don't wait to be asked. Don't put the ball in her court. Consider it your ministry to just bless that family somehow. Here are some practical ideas (not in order of importance):

1.      When can I take you out to breakfast or lunch? I'll arrange a babysitter. You just pick a time.

2.      Which night may I run your kids around for you? I know they're involved in a lot of activities. I'd love to share the taxi responsibility with you for an evening.

3.      I've heard [insert family-friendly movie title here] is really good. I think your kids would enjoy it. May I take them to it? Perhaps you could catch up on some things around the house or have a little break while I enjoy the movie with them.

4.      I've got an online pizza order ready for you. Just tell me what I should enter for a delivery time. (You can do this even if your friend lives far away!)

5.      [Said from the front door:] I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by to see how you're doing. [This may or may not involve holding a loaf of fresh bread, some fruit, or a gallon of soup. However, you don’t have to bring anything. This is what our friend Adam did – just appeared with empty hands – and it blessed the kids and me deeply, as well as my husband.]

6.      I thought I'd call to see how you're doing. When my husband is away, sometimes I just need someone to talk to. I know you can take your concerns to the Lord, but if there is anything you need to just release or talk about, I won't judge. I'll just listen and pray.

7.      Do you want to come over to watch Downton Abbey together? The kids can play together while we drink tea and watch. I'd love to hear what you think of Cousin Isobel’s decision to marry again. [Pick your friend's show, of course!]

Most important, of course: pray. Pray for the spouse who is doing the direct ministry, and pray for the family left behind. Pray for them whenever you think of them. And let them know you are doing so.

Let me finish by stating emphatically: God is enough. He equips those He calls. It’s a privilege to be in a spot of utter dependence on Him to give us our daily encouragement (which is actually our situation every day, whether we are aware of it or not). But He has also created us to be a body—His body. So when we can share the load and function as a body, it is a beautiful thing.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.  Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. –Galatians 6:9,10